Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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