He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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