Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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