So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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