; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
She is in my trunk
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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