I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
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Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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