I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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