Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
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Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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