You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
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An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
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Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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