It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
