Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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