What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
