You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
