I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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