i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
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She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
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Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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