you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
