apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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