tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
