I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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