i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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