I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
