Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
