Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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