so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
A bitchslap is in order.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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