omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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