I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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