totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
