and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
