Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
