oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
