mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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