My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
