so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
