How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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