The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I want you more than these girls want KFC
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
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To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
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I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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