Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
