It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
