dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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