google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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