I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
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You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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