Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
That's how pantless uber rides happen
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