I am spending my child support on dildos
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
