I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
