did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
