So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
