There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
