Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
