Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
