I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
