Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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