last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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