Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
