Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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