Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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