Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
